My Sister is Crazy!

     My sister is crazy, and not in the normal way. She is crazy and I have the court records to prove it! Growing up she had anger problems and used me as her punching bag. She broke several of my bones and my parents never actually punished her for it. They always sent her to her room or gave her a time out. I knew I needed to learn how to fight back. At the age of eighteen I enrolled myself in karate. The classes were hard and always left me soaked in sweat. Which since my sweat stunk made it hard to get a ride home after but I always managed. A few times no one else showed up to class and the instructor asked me what I wanted to learn. I showed him what my sister always did to me and asked how to get out of it. We practiced for over an hour and I learned a lot. The next time my sister tried to pin me I was ready. I fought back and broke her nose. It was so gratifying to see her running to mom with her bloody nose and mom said "I told you not to pick on your sister and that someday she would clean your clock. Now did you learn not to hit your sister?" Needless to say, my sister got the point that day and stopped physically striking out at me.
     About two weeks later my sister started pissing on the living room carpet. She kept denying it and I was too busy with work and school to set up video cameras. She kept trying to convince us that there were poltergeists in the house. That we needed to somehow cleanse the house and nothing worked. Shampooing the carpets got old really fast and she was making me be sleep deprived. She would piss on the carpet and shampoo it back up. I will never understand why she didn't just use a damn toilet. Soon after I moved out and left my mother to deal with the crazy bitch.
     Six months later my sister, who was working as a dog groomer, tried to poison my mother. My mother went to court and got an eviction notice and made her leave. My mother didn't spend the night at the house as she was fearing for her life so imagine her surprise when she came home to the most horrendous smell ever. The entire house smelled like dog anal gland goo. The shit was everywhere, on the walls, in the carpets, in the couch. She actually unfolded the hide-a-bed and sprayed that shit there too. She even sprayed it in light fixtures so that when you turned the lights on it would only make the smell worse. It was awful, I could hardly believe that someone would want to get that up close and personal with that many dog anal glands to bottle that shit. Not to mention that this is a large house we are talking about. How many anal glands did she harvest from? It took a cleaning crew months to get it all cleaned up.
     Then the impressive happened, my sister tried to sue my  mother for fertilizer spread out in the yard, plants planted in the yard, demanding items that didn't even exist, and even things my sister damaged with the spray. Yes the charges were dismissed by the judge but it really stressed my mother out in the process.
     Next time you think your siblings are crazy, just be glad they aren't harvesting dog anal gland goo to spray in your room!

My Father was Crazy Part 2

     I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere and when I tell people they seem jealous but frankly I would have preferred to have grown up in a city or town. In the summer, my father would wake me up by poking me with a shotgun and force me out into the fields to work for the day. I wouldn't be allowed to change my clothes, grab shoes, or even eat breakfast. The path out to the fields was covered with sharp gravel and would cut into my soft feet. I would be given a hoe and would be set to work weeding the fields. The soil would start out cold and would stick to my feet. Soon though the soil would feel like hot skillets on my feet. I would be hot, tired, thirsty, hungry, with blistered feet but he wouldn't care. I would not be allowed to come back inside the house till dusk. I would actually be locked outside the house all day and the water  was undrinkable. All my father ever cared about was making money so he could keep up his other family. He always saw me as a disappointment so why would he care about my safety. After all I would never be what he truly wanted in an offspring... I would never be a boy.

My Family is Crazy!

     My family is crazy, and I don't mean that in the way everyone else does. I mean there are actually court records and psychological reports on file stating that my family is crazy. Which makes all the traditional family holidays so much more interesting. It's just not the holidays unless someone threatens to kill someone else over commenting on the exact consistency of sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes that were brought every year and that no one ate. I always kind of thought that it was the same dish of potatoes since it never seemed to change. Same bowl and same smears on the sides each year. I was never brave enough to try them but they were brought by someone who couldn't cook, and by couldn't cook I mean macaroni that is both under cooked and burned.
     I always hated going to my relatives places for the holidays because there would never be anything I could eat there. They know my food allergies but just don't care. In fact they would get mad at me for not doing they same thing they do in attempting to be normal to the point of injury. Since a turkey dinner is what "normal" people serve for thanksgiving, a turkey would be served. Then after dinner I would have to go around and dispense benadryl and remind people to breathe. Every one of them would feel ill and have rashes all over. Yet every year without fail a turkey would be served and eaten. They all see me as the odd one because I refuse to join in. Since they don't care about me I would be stuck with a glass of water and a piece of roast so dry it would stick between my teeth and I would butter it to attempt to improve the flavor. After diner I would still be hungry but no one would care.
     After I got old enough I stopped going to the family dinners. Partly because I wasn't formally invited and partly because I didn't want to go. See I found a place to go on holidays where people care about me getting a good meal and being able to join in. I don't have to sit there quietly with an empty plate for over an hour watching others eat. I can even bring a dish and people will eat it and not mock it like what would usually happen. One year my family "accidentally" knocked my dish to the floor breaking it and spilling what would have been a nice meal all over the floor. There was even laughing about it. Now that I'm older I really do feel that I should be able to choose how to spend my holidays and with whom. Luckily I found a great man who is willing to share his family. I wouldn't say they are perfect but they are worlds better than what I was born into.

Death Marches

     Every summer my father would take us "hiking" this would involve getting up at dawn and with no breakfast or supplies head out for the day. We would walk like this without any breaks, food, or water till nightfall when hopefully we would have reached the campground again. At which point I would be too tired to cook dinner so it would be off to bed without any food. This was repeated for 5-7 days straight. Which is why I know so much about plants. He would spank me if he saw me eating plants along the trail so it was important to have him walking in front of me. I wouldn't have long to pick up something and eat it so I had to make my selections quickly, quietly, and accurately. He didn't care if I didn't feel well. He would even spank me for whining, so during the school year I would go over different plant identification manuals to learn what I could eat. My sibling was never as apt to roll with the punches and would even whine about the flavor of some of the foods I found. Eventually I would keep them to myself so as not to get caught. I would still be pretty hungry at the end of the day but at least I was in better shape for the next "hike."

Grandma's Cooking

     Growing up I always wondered why people wanted to go eat at their grandmother's house. To put it nicely, my grandmother was a poor cook. To be truthful, eating at grandma's house was an exercise in food poisoning. The reason her food was so bad is that the woman was cheep and used the cheapest ingredients, few spices, and incorrect amounts of electricity. Let me explain by telling how she would cook rice. She would put the rice and water in a pot on the stove, then bring the water to a boil, cover, and turn off the stove. The rice would be done 3-4hrs later. You don't need to be a pro chef or even a good cook to know that eating such a preparation would make you very sick. Quite often the evening would end in the emergency room. Now if you add into that equation a complete lack of understanding of spices and you have a recipe for disaster. Peppermint hamburgers and heavily oregano seasoned salmon were just the tip of the iceberg. Most of the time the spoiled food was served. One time she pored a huge glass of sour milk for me and when I didn't drink it I was spanked till I finally finished it.
     This all brings me to another thought. Why if I didn't put the food on my plate would I have to clear it? She would put food on my plate that she and I both know I was allergic to. Yet she made me sit there at the table till I finished the food. I finally got fed up with her and ate some of the food in question. About an hour later I threw up all over the table. This really upset her but usually stopped her from trying to force feed me again. Except for those times in which she forgot.

Nausea/ Motion Sickness/ Morning Sickness Remedy Tea

     This tea is a good one to have on hand for if your stomach really hates you.

What you will need:

• Pot
• 8-10 Cups water
• A dash (1/8 teaspoon) of both ginger and clove powder. You probably have these on hand for cooking.
• 1/2 Cup sugar to taste

Bring to a boil and sip one cup before and after each meal as necessary till you feel better. You can keep extra chilled in the fridge. You can keep this in the fridge for about a week before needing to dispose.

Herbs and Their Propertites

     If you live in or around the northwest of the united states, then there are certain herbs that are more easily available than others. Some are native and others are just able to be found everywhere. I have made lists of these by their properties so you can easily make your own remedies from what you have on hand.

Antibiotic Herbs
Aloe
Chamomile
Echinacea
Eucalyptus
Garlic
Honey
Ginger
Goldenseal
Sage
Wormwood

Antimicrobial Herbs (For internal/external paracites)
Clove oil
Eucyleptus oil
Fennel
Garlic
Lavender
Lemon oil
Oregano
Rosemary
Tea Tree Oil

Anti-inflammatory Herbs
Aloe
Arnica
Basil
Black Pepper
Chamomile
Chive
Cilantro
Cinnamon
Cleavers
Cloves
Garlic
Ginger
Parsley
Rosemary
Witch Hazel

Anti-fungal Herbs
Black Walnut (hull)
Chamomile
Cinnamon
Cloves
Fennel
Garlic
Goldenseal
Lavender
Marigold
Peppermint
Tea Tree Oil

Antiviral Herbs
Aloe
Basil
Chamomile
Echinacea
Eucalyptus
Garlic
Goldenseal
Lemon
Onions
Orange
Oregano
St. John's Wort
Tea Tree Oil
Tumeric

Anti-septic Herbs
Aloe
Blackwalnut
Cinnamon
Clove
Yarrow
Echinacea
Eucalyptus
Garlic
Goldenseal
Rosehips
Sage
Tea Tree Oil
Thyme
Tumeric

Anesthetic Herbs
Arnica
California Poppy
Caraway
Cloves
Skullcap
St. John's Wort
Tea Tree Bark
Tumeric
Valerian
Willow Bark
Yarrow

Antacid Herbs
Aloe
Catnip
Chamomile
Comfrey
Dandelion
Gennel
Flax Seed
Ginger
Mint
Turmeric

As with all herbal remedies, don't eat things that are toxic and look up how to best use the herbs for the desired effect. Also don't be like my grandmother who is allergic to potatoes and read that putting potato slices on your eyes helps reduce swelling and ended up with a swollen face. Just because something is on the list doesn't mean that it is the right herb for you.