She left me to reflect further and I went for a walk. Maybe the plants can help cure what ails me. Why does everything need to get so hard? No matter how much you love a subject, person, or thing, everything always gets hard.
A favorite subject will become increasingly difficult until one wonders why there ever was a desire to begin in the first place. Thing back to when you first started writing letters. You were attempting to write the alphabet in barely recognizable scribble on paper, and you were praised so highly for this. Then you found out these letters formed words and that was ok, but not so fun because those words had to be spelled correctly. Then things got worse, you were expected to put those words into sentences, which was ok, but there were so many rules. Noun verb agreement, preposition location, tenses, and punctuation just to name a few. Then there was only one right way to do things and if you didn’t do it right you got noting for the effort. This became still more difficult when the concept of paragraphs was introduced and fell apart completely with the requirement of essays. The major problem with essays is that there is no one right way to write one and each person has their own requirements. Those requirements are rarely stated up front so it is a kind of roulette to try and get the essay just right.
This subject became just too complicated. This complication and increasing demand chased many students away from attempting to excel in the topic. Every subject does this and the jumps in requirements are not always gentle and over the course of years. As you become older and progress through the topic you are expected to make larger and larger jumps in shorter amounts of time. As the topic becomes harder and requires more explanation you receive less instruction and have less time to digest in. This is why I hate the school system, everyone just expects you to be good at everything and if you aren’t then they just move on without you, and leave you lost in the dust.
People are similar but the problem with them progresses much quicker. You start out with not knowing where you stand with someone, and if you fail completely in the relationship, you end the same way. They start by telling you about themselves and you are to remember everything they say, and everyone has their specific requirements that are most important, and if you neglect to remember the right thing you have caused offence. Then that person does the unthinkable, introducing you to their friends and family which all do the same thing. So now you have all this completely useless information and you are required to know all of it to the end of time. Then you are exposed to their personality and are required to adapt your thinking to handle this. If they are having a bad day you are required to care and know just the right thing to do or say. That is completely ridiculous. How can someone expect that of another human? To expect that is to expect failure. No one can read your mind and even if they could, do you honestly think they would stick around? No, I refuse to try and understand people. People just expect way too much and it is too hard to satisfy their image of you.
Inanimate objects are not exempt from this. If you own a cell phone and don’t know how to send pictures on the thing people make fun of you for owning the option. To own an object is to know everything about the object. This knowledge is expected to be innate and if it is not, then you are seen as some kind of freak. Everyone is required to know everything about all things. It would be far simpler to just not own anything in the first place.
One could say that I just hate everything or that I have had bad experiences with people and their expectations, but I stopped caring about people and their expectations, their completely unreasonable and irrational expectations.
Sandra is kneeling in a patch of mallow harvesting some and weeding. Her bright pink pixie cut hair perfectly frames her face. I love watching her work. She is like an ethereal being somehow found on earth. She never quite seems to belong and yet is bound to the plants. She and I always had that in common. Never quite belonging anywhere but always drawn back to the plants. Looking up she flashes me a smile which I try to return and walk over to join her.
Kneeling across from her on the path we greet and exchange pleasantries but there is an elephant in the room which we both don’t want to talk about. Unexpectedly I burst into tears and tell her all about Asa, how I found him and how he must have suffered. When our eyes meet again we are both crying.
She leans over and embraces me. We hold each other in silence for a time. Slowly everyone comes over and joins into a giant group hug. I don’t know who started it but someone started the tickling. Soon we dissolved into a huge giggling mass on the ground. I hadn’t laughed like that in weeks. Sandra and I leave to get drinks.
One of my more well known skills is distilling liquor to a very high proof. I am very good at controlling a system like that. I may have flunked out of engineering and landing in biology but I always could look at a system and improve it, or even set up a multi stage process from scratch. So we have on hand large quantities of hard alcohol. There is no way on earth that anyone can get a group of hippies to give up pot and alcohol. We have both in abundance. We don’t have anything harsher or let anyone under the age of 21 consume because their brains haven’t finished forming yet. With enough education the children are willing to wait to consume.
Sandra starts making a pitcher of lemon margaritas. My favorite. “You look like you could use a drink.”
“Yes, but who wouldn’t after the month I have had.” I reply.
“I really am sorry about Asa. He was a good man and didn’t deserve to die like that.”
“Thanks,I just don’t know what to do, how to feel, or who I even am any more.”
“Bugs in amber.”
“What?”
“All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“That depends. Do you? I’m not sure but I never was good at knowing what to say when someone dies but it does sound introspective I think. Either way, you are speaking again so I will call that a win.”
Sandra always did know how to put me at ease. We talk and joke into the night and probably drink too much but hey if you can’t drink to excess with a good friend then you shouldn’t drink at all.
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