My Sister is Crazy!

     My sister is crazy, and not in the normal way. She is crazy and I have the court records to prove it! Growing up she had anger problems and used me as her punching bag. She broke several of my bones and my parents never actually punished her for it. They always sent her to her room or gave her a time out. I knew I needed to learn how to fight back. At the age of eighteen I enrolled myself in karate. The classes were hard and always left me soaked in sweat. Which since my sweat stunk made it hard to get a ride home after but I always managed. A few times no one else showed up to class and the instructor asked me what I wanted to learn. I showed him what my sister always did to me and asked how to get out of it. We practiced for over an hour and I learned a lot. The next time my sister tried to pin me I was ready. I fought back and broke her nose. It was so gratifying to see her running to mom with her bloody nose and mom said "I told you not to pick on your sister and that someday she would clean your clock. Now did you learn not to hit your sister?" Needless to say, my sister got the point that day and stopped physically striking out at me.
     About two weeks later my sister started pissing on the living room carpet. She kept denying it and I was too busy with work and school to set up video cameras. She kept trying to convince us that there were poltergeists in the house. That we needed to somehow cleanse the house and nothing worked. Shampooing the carpets got old really fast and she was making me be sleep deprived. She would piss on the carpet and shampoo it back up. I will never understand why she didn't just use a damn toilet. Soon after I moved out and left my mother to deal with the crazy bitch.
     Six months later my sister, who was working as a dog groomer, tried to poison my mother. My mother went to court and got an eviction notice and made her leave. My mother didn't spend the night at the house as she was fearing for her life so imagine her surprise when she came home to the most horrendous smell ever. The entire house smelled like dog anal gland goo. The shit was everywhere, on the walls, in the carpets, in the couch. She actually unfolded the hide-a-bed and sprayed that shit there too. She even sprayed it in light fixtures so that when you turned the lights on it would only make the smell worse. It was awful, I could hardly believe that someone would want to get that up close and personal with that many dog anal glands to bottle that shit. Not to mention that this is a large house we are talking about. How many anal glands did she harvest from? It took a cleaning crew months to get it all cleaned up.
     Then the impressive happened, my sister tried to sue my  mother for fertilizer spread out in the yard, plants planted in the yard, demanding items that didn't even exist, and even things my sister damaged with the spray. Yes the charges were dismissed by the judge but it really stressed my mother out in the process.
     Next time you think your siblings are crazy, just be glad they aren't harvesting dog anal gland goo to spray in your room!

My Father was Crazy Part 2

     I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere and when I tell people they seem jealous but frankly I would have preferred to have grown up in a city or town. In the summer, my father would wake me up by poking me with a shotgun and force me out into the fields to work for the day. I wouldn't be allowed to change my clothes, grab shoes, or even eat breakfast. The path out to the fields was covered with sharp gravel and would cut into my soft feet. I would be given a hoe and would be set to work weeding the fields. The soil would start out cold and would stick to my feet. Soon though the soil would feel like hot skillets on my feet. I would be hot, tired, thirsty, hungry, with blistered feet but he wouldn't care. I would not be allowed to come back inside the house till dusk. I would actually be locked outside the house all day and the water  was undrinkable. All my father ever cared about was making money so he could keep up his other family. He always saw me as a disappointment so why would he care about my safety. After all I would never be what he truly wanted in an offspring... I would never be a boy.

My Family is Crazy!

     My family is crazy, and I don't mean that in the way everyone else does. I mean there are actually court records and psychological reports on file stating that my family is crazy. Which makes all the traditional family holidays so much more interesting. It's just not the holidays unless someone threatens to kill someone else over commenting on the exact consistency of sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes that were brought every year and that no one ate. I always kind of thought that it was the same dish of potatoes since it never seemed to change. Same bowl and same smears on the sides each year. I was never brave enough to try them but they were brought by someone who couldn't cook, and by couldn't cook I mean macaroni that is both under cooked and burned.
     I always hated going to my relatives places for the holidays because there would never be anything I could eat there. They know my food allergies but just don't care. In fact they would get mad at me for not doing they same thing they do in attempting to be normal to the point of injury. Since a turkey dinner is what "normal" people serve for thanksgiving, a turkey would be served. Then after dinner I would have to go around and dispense benadryl and remind people to breathe. Every one of them would feel ill and have rashes all over. Yet every year without fail a turkey would be served and eaten. They all see me as the odd one because I refuse to join in. Since they don't care about me I would be stuck with a glass of water and a piece of roast so dry it would stick between my teeth and I would butter it to attempt to improve the flavor. After diner I would still be hungry but no one would care.
     After I got old enough I stopped going to the family dinners. Partly because I wasn't formally invited and partly because I didn't want to go. See I found a place to go on holidays where people care about me getting a good meal and being able to join in. I don't have to sit there quietly with an empty plate for over an hour watching others eat. I can even bring a dish and people will eat it and not mock it like what would usually happen. One year my family "accidentally" knocked my dish to the floor breaking it and spilling what would have been a nice meal all over the floor. There was even laughing about it. Now that I'm older I really do feel that I should be able to choose how to spend my holidays and with whom. Luckily I found a great man who is willing to share his family. I wouldn't say they are perfect but they are worlds better than what I was born into.

Death Marches

     Every summer my father would take us "hiking" this would involve getting up at dawn and with no breakfast or supplies head out for the day. We would walk like this without any breaks, food, or water till nightfall when hopefully we would have reached the campground again. At which point I would be too tired to cook dinner so it would be off to bed without any food. This was repeated for 5-7 days straight. Which is why I know so much about plants. He would spank me if he saw me eating plants along the trail so it was important to have him walking in front of me. I wouldn't have long to pick up something and eat it so I had to make my selections quickly, quietly, and accurately. He didn't care if I didn't feel well. He would even spank me for whining, so during the school year I would go over different plant identification manuals to learn what I could eat. My sibling was never as apt to roll with the punches and would even whine about the flavor of some of the foods I found. Eventually I would keep them to myself so as not to get caught. I would still be pretty hungry at the end of the day but at least I was in better shape for the next "hike."

Grandma's Cooking

     Growing up I always wondered why people wanted to go eat at their grandmother's house. To put it nicely, my grandmother was a poor cook. To be truthful, eating at grandma's house was an exercise in food poisoning. The reason her food was so bad is that the woman was cheep and used the cheapest ingredients, few spices, and incorrect amounts of electricity. Let me explain by telling how she would cook rice. She would put the rice and water in a pot on the stove, then bring the water to a boil, cover, and turn off the stove. The rice would be done 3-4hrs later. You don't need to be a pro chef or even a good cook to know that eating such a preparation would make you very sick. Quite often the evening would end in the emergency room. Now if you add into that equation a complete lack of understanding of spices and you have a recipe for disaster. Peppermint hamburgers and heavily oregano seasoned salmon were just the tip of the iceberg. Most of the time the spoiled food was served. One time she pored a huge glass of sour milk for me and when I didn't drink it I was spanked till I finally finished it.
     This all brings me to another thought. Why if I didn't put the food on my plate would I have to clear it? She would put food on my plate that she and I both know I was allergic to. Yet she made me sit there at the table till I finished the food. I finally got fed up with her and ate some of the food in question. About an hour later I threw up all over the table. This really upset her but usually stopped her from trying to force feed me again. Except for those times in which she forgot.

Nausea/ Motion Sickness/ Morning Sickness Remedy Tea

     This tea is a good one to have on hand for if your stomach really hates you.

What you will need:

• Pot
• 8-10 Cups water
• A dash (1/8 teaspoon) of both ginger and clove powder. You probably have these on hand for cooking.
• 1/2 Cup sugar to taste

Bring to a boil and sip one cup before and after each meal as necessary till you feel better. You can keep extra chilled in the fridge. You can keep this in the fridge for about a week before needing to dispose.

Herbs and Their Propertites

     If you live in or around the northwest of the united states, then there are certain herbs that are more easily available than others. Some are native and others are just able to be found everywhere. I have made lists of these by their properties so you can easily make your own remedies from what you have on hand.

Antibiotic Herbs
Aloe
Chamomile
Echinacea
Eucalyptus
Garlic
Honey
Ginger
Goldenseal
Sage
Wormwood

Antimicrobial Herbs (For internal/external paracites)
Clove oil
Eucyleptus oil
Fennel
Garlic
Lavender
Lemon oil
Oregano
Rosemary
Tea Tree Oil

Anti-inflammatory Herbs
Aloe
Arnica
Basil
Black Pepper
Chamomile
Chive
Cilantro
Cinnamon
Cleavers
Cloves
Garlic
Ginger
Parsley
Rosemary
Witch Hazel

Anti-fungal Herbs
Black Walnut (hull)
Chamomile
Cinnamon
Cloves
Fennel
Garlic
Goldenseal
Lavender
Marigold
Peppermint
Tea Tree Oil

Antiviral Herbs
Aloe
Basil
Chamomile
Echinacea
Eucalyptus
Garlic
Goldenseal
Lemon
Onions
Orange
Oregano
St. John's Wort
Tea Tree Oil
Tumeric

Anti-septic Herbs
Aloe
Blackwalnut
Cinnamon
Clove
Yarrow
Echinacea
Eucalyptus
Garlic
Goldenseal
Rosehips
Sage
Tea Tree Oil
Thyme
Tumeric

Anesthetic Herbs
Arnica
California Poppy
Caraway
Cloves
Skullcap
St. John's Wort
Tea Tree Bark
Tumeric
Valerian
Willow Bark
Yarrow

Antacid Herbs
Aloe
Catnip
Chamomile
Comfrey
Dandelion
Gennel
Flax Seed
Ginger
Mint
Turmeric

As with all herbal remedies, don't eat things that are toxic and look up how to best use the herbs for the desired effect. Also don't be like my grandmother who is allergic to potatoes and read that putting potato slices on your eyes helps reduce swelling and ended up with a swollen face. Just because something is on the list doesn't mean that it is the right herb for you.

Herbal Antidepressants

     I get asked quite often how to handle depression naturally without chemicals. Here are my suggestions.

• St. John's wort
• Saffron
• Only use natural sweetners
• Acquire all of these Ylang Ylang oil, Jasmine oil, Rose oil, and Neroli (citrus aurantium oil)  and sniff all of them. One of these oils will smell absolutely aweful to you. Place 3-4 drops of the oil that smells the worst into a diffuser, and place into the room you hang out in most. Follow instructions on the diffuser till one week after that oil smells better. You should be feeling better.

PMS remedies

Raspberry leaf tea. Drink one cup three times daily.

Lemon balm tea. One cup tea 2 times daily.

Mosquito Repellant

Catnip oil, or take a couple handfulls of fresh catnip and rub on exposed skin.

Citronella oil will make you smell like lemon pledge but will keep bugs away.

Eating lots of garlic will keep the bugs away.

Lavender is a natural insect repellant as well.

Migrane Cures

• Fever few herbal tea
• Magnesium, Calcium, and Potassium supplements taken regularly can help stop migranes before they start.
• Omega 3's can help stop the pain.
• Peppermint or ginger tea.
• Caffeine and lots of it.
• Rubbing the temples
• Drinking lots of water

My father was crazy

     Growing up I knew my father was crazy he was under the impression that a box of raisin bran was a single serving. Every morning he would take out a large mixing bowl and pore in the whole box of raisin bran and top it all off with some sugar and about half a gallon of milk. Then he would play beat the clock by walking to work. Most times he would make it but the funnier days were when he didn't. Yes he would either shit his own pants or drop one along side the road with no paper to clean up after he never told us which. He never did put it together that the amount of fiber he was consuming was the cause of his problem. He would then accuse the rest of the family of poisoning him. Then again this is the guy who chose meth over me so I can't say that he is known for making good decisions in life.

Killing warts fairly painlessly

     Kill warts with duct tape. You take a small piece of duct tape about the size of the wart and place directly on the skin. Leave the duct tape in place for up to 6 days, this will cause the wart to suffocate but you don't want to leave it on there longer than 6 days at a time as your own skin can suffocate. Then remove the tape and use an emery board or pummice stone to scrape off the loose skin/wart and recover with duct tape. This takes about a month but eventually the wart will drop off.

Eczema remedies

     I get asked about this one a lot even though I am not a suffer of eczema. I came up with short term and long term remedies. They work together to provide immediate relief and long term elimination of the condition.

     In the short term, try coconut butter or oil lotion. Just buy some coconut oil or coconut butter and start applying liberally to the skin. The coconut has a lot of nutrients to nourish the skin and promote healing. Which helps to eliminate the appearance of eczema. You can even take some and massage into the scalp if that is a problem area for you.

     In the long term you should talk to your doctor and have an allergy test done. There are two basic types, the skin prick test and the blood sample test. If you are not fond of needles, go for the blood sample test. This way there is one needle, the blood is removed from the body and sent to a lab for analysis. If you are a masochist, go for the skin prick test. This one is lots of needles and repeated poking, and after your arm or back is very itchy. Then a report is written on what exactly you are allergic to. Then simply avoid the allergens.

Fever Reducers

Sometimes you either don't want to take over the counter medications or don't want to take them, but you still need to know how to handle a fever safely.

• Peppercorn and Basil tea. This may not sound very appetizing but both help to regulate the body's temperature.
• Cool wet socks on ankles. Basically anything that helps you to dump excess body heat will help.
• Lukewarm bath. Ask someone who is not ill to draw you a bath that way you don't get it too hot. The cool bath will help you to dump lots of excess body heat quickly.

• Lemon balm and Honey tea. A much tastier version of the first tea and an easier sell to picky adults and children. 

 Just remember to monitor your body temperature hourly up to every 15 min if the fever is high and seek medical attention if the fever reaches over 103.5 as 104-105 can be fatal.

IBS

I was asked today to help out a friend who suffers from IBS here is what I use and find really effective.

Make a tea out of peppermint, clove, and catnip. This helps helps to soothe smooth muscle tissue, aid digestion and help remove flatulence. The exact blend of herbs tends to depend upon the person but try mixing to taste and adjust as necessary.

Home made sunblock.

Yes you can make sunblock at home without all the chemicals even make some under emergency circumstances while you are lost in the woods.

If you figured out how to make a camp fire, take some of the charcoal and powder it. Then find a nontoxic plant with juice like aloe and make a big slightly gooey mess with it. Rub onto the skin and it won't wash off for about two weeks.

At home sunblock: Shea butter has an SPF of 6
                             Sesame seed oil has an SPF of 4
                             Red raspberry seed oil has an SPF between 28-50
Remember to double check all ingredients so that they don't make a sunburn worse like applying petroleum jelly.

Home Headache Remedies

• Take a walk, sometimes all you need is some fresh air and sunlight.
• Take a nap, usually the best to follow up your walk with.
• Magnesium, Potassium, and Calcium are all needed to process each other. Take supplements of all those three and you will probably feel better. Especially if your headache is accompanied by muscle cramps.
• Mix 2 drops each of peppermint, lavender, and eucalyptus oil into some olive oil and massage into the temples. 

When all else fails, take a shower.

Possable cancer remedy

Black Walnut, Sweet Wormwood and Cloves capsules. Follow directions on bottle.

Burdock Root -http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-supplements/ingredientmono-111-burdock.aspx?activeIngredientId=111&activeIngredientName=burdock

Cleavers-To make clean your harvested cleavers, chop it roughly and then squeeze out the juice through a jelly bag or clean tea towel.  The recommended dose is 1 teaspoon, 2 – 3 times daily as a tonic.

Echinacea- brain tumors - Follow instructions on bottle

Golden seal- stomach and bowel cancers- follow instructions on bottle

Pan Darco- Lymph Cancers- dosages required to be really effective would make this herb poisonous so combine with other herbs to improve effectiveness.

Poke Root- Great relief towards the close of a difficult case of cancer of the uterus was obtained by an external application of 3 OZ. of Poke Root and 1 OZ. of Tincture used in the strength of 1 tablespoonful to 3 pints of tepid water for bathing the part. It is also stated to be of undoubted value as an internal remedy in cancer of the breast. 

Skull Cap (the Chinese one Scuttelaria lateriflora )- Lungs, stomach, and intestinal cancer
Thorax (Hare's Ear)- Bone Cancer- Bupleurum is an herbal medicine used to treat chronic (long term) diseases, like asthma or hepatitis. It is also used to improve the immune system (body system that fights disease) and to lower fever. Bupleurum can be used to try to prevent some liver diseases from becoming liver cancer.

Wormwood- taken in small doses for a short period of time, usually a maximum of 4 weeks. It is available as a capsule and as a liquid that can be added to water to make a tincture.

Feverfew- Leukemia- Feverfew also exhibited anticancer effects A Phase I clinical study involving cancer patients showed that up to 4 mg of parthenolide was well tolerated; however, parthenolide could not be detected in the plasma.

Now don't quote me on the effectiveness but it seems to reason that selecting a few different herbs and using them long term to see if they work. 

Walk for Chron's disease

     Normally I support walking for a cause but this is just insult to injury, but I have chron's and can not go without a bathroom long enough to complete the walk.
 http://online.ccfa.org/site/PageServer?pagename=TS_homepage You can walk for cancer, you can walk for Parkinson's disease, you can walk for Alzheimer's disease but you can not walk for Chron's! Are they going to line up the port-o-crappers in a line along the path? This event must be the port-o-crapper capital of the world! 
     Sometimes people just don't think these things through.

Gardening on the Oregon Coast

     I am helping someone to set up a garden on the oregon coast. I have no experience with gardening in sandy soils but know that there are serious problems with water and lack of nutrients in the soil. I was surprised with how many vegetables that grow on the coast. http://coastexplorermagazine.com/features/665-great-veggies-for-coastal-gardens This seems like the perfect environment for year round salads and great stew vegetables.
     There are also a large number of other plants that grow well. http://www.garlandnursery.com/oregon_coast_plants.html Though many of the plants have spines, there are some surprising ones in the list. Not to mention all the herbs that would grow well.

The news media can legally lie to us

     This may sound like some sort of left wing bullshit but sadly it is true. Sometimes I can't believe what this world is coming to. What happened to actual journalism where finding the truth no matter what the cost? http://www.projectcensored.org/11-the-media-can-legally-lie/
I always thought that there was something wrong with Fox News and now I understand that the entire institution is corrupt to the core. That there are no more morals inherit to journalism. That sadly the wool has even been pulled over my eyes about this. Since I can't personally take on the whole of the news media on my own, I will just stop watching it and discourage others to not watch as well.

Herbal Menopause Treatment

     Being pagan I am asked all the time what to do about menopause symptoms. As with most of my remedies I experimented on my mother till I found something that worked. Now bear in mind that the hormonal treatments didn't help at all. She would just sweat off the patches and they only seemed to make things worse.

You can buy it from amazon.com and many other fine retailers. This worked really well and within a few days her hot flashes stopped and soon after her skin cleared. This product is amazing and really improved her quality of life. Not to mention the lives of those around her.

Communal Living

     I have thought for some time about communal living. Where each person doesn't need much and the wealth of the community is shared. With enough people willing to work communal for three to four hours each day, there would be enough for everyone to live green and sustainable lives. Living in buildings where plants are growing in every room and huge fields are not required. Where everyone receives rank and advancement based upon their skills and contributions. We don't need lives that completely revolve around plastics, petroleum, and ceaseless consumption. That model is not sustainable and very few are able to make it to the top and enjoy all the luxuries. Life on the top is lonley and not very fufilling.
     What really makes me happy is when I have good people around me and work to be done. Few things in life are more pleasant than making grape jelly with friends. No electronics required for distraction. Everyone working toward a shared goal. That feeling of accomplishment of a job well done, and nothing tastes better on toast than jelly you made yourself. Maybe it is just some hippie dream but I would like to live, work, and use my skills for something good rather than just add to the mass consumerism of today.

Bathroom Battles!

     I have always done battle in the bathroom. Some days I am victorious! While others the bathroom really kicks my ass and takes my name. Which is why before I go in, I dress for battle. A toilet seat round my neck, toilet paper round my left arm as a shield, and a plunger in my right as a sword. I always prepare for the worst before challenging the plumbing.

Killing cold sores and shingles.

     I actually created a product years ago and finally managed to refine it and put it into a container for sale. People that use it say that the cold sores go away in a matter of hours and the shingles go away over night. http://www.etsy.com/shop/FaerieCosmetics The product is vegan, organic, gluten free and works really well. I just don't know how to market it to actually get sales. What I really need to do is team up with someone who is good at marketing but doesn't have a product to market. After all I have a product to market but no idea how to accomplish the marketing. I always find it interesting that people try the product in disbelief and then come back raving about how well it worked. Sometimes it surprises me that I can make herbal remedies that work really well but can't figure out how to sell them.

Plants I keep indoors for a healthy happy home.

     Spider plant: Helps remove benzene, formaldehyde, carbon monoxide, and xylene from the air. This plant takes more sunlight than most houses have available but you are rewarded with cascading green leaves.

     Snake Plant: Helps remove formaldehyde from the air and loves the shade. A perfect indoor plant.

     Peace Lilly: Helps remove formaldehyde, benzene, trichlorethylene, toluene, and xylene from the  air. This plant needs lots of sun and has very large leaves. If placed near a window the plant will fill that window with large deep green leaves.

     Catnip: For the family cat. This plant provides hours of entertainment and is lovely to look at. Yes my cat is almost constantly stoned but the plant needs some pruning to look nice. Try to leave the stems at 5-8 inches long when harvesting.

     Rubber tree: Helps remove formaldehyde, trichlorethylene, and benzene from the air. This plant is very slow growing and if scratched or loses a leaf can take years to regrow. Also requires staking up.

     Green Tea plant: Grows slowly indoors but adds a talking point to any tour of your home. Eventually you can harvest for your own tea and wrap fish in when cooking fish on a BBQ.

     Bamboo: This plant brings luck to any home and is very easy to care for.

     Dragon's Blood tree: A slow growing, red resigned plant. The prize of my household.

     Lemon and orange trees: Just for fun and they produce fruit if you pollinate them by hand.

I know I don't have any photos of these plants right now but I am working on getting a camera soon.

     I finally understand why congress tried to vote down Obama Care 40 times. They don't want to get stuck with the same level of insurance the rest of us can afford. http://democratherald.com/news/national/members-of-congress-to-get-first-run-at-health-care/article_959902c2-030b-11e3-b276-001a4bcf887a.html
Basically congress will lose their high cost health insurance with lots of benefits and be forced to purchase from the government program like the rest of us poor bastards. Isn't it nice when the people who make the laws will be stuck in the same boat as you as far as health care is concerned.

Networking

     Networking with fellow pagans is always important no matter where you are or how far from civilization. You may be stuck in some backwater southern swamp land but a friend could be just a few clicks away.
http://www.witchvox.com/
http://www.paganpride.org/
     How else are you to know where all the cool people are hanging out or where the parties are?

Congress voted to repeal Obama Care for the 40th time!

      I have a hard time believing that congress would be so obnoxious as to attempt to repeal Obama Care 40 times. When are they going to get the idea that the American people actually want health care. If congress is so against people having health care, they should be the first to give up their health care. Congress has a great insurance package that I would love to have. I think that Obama Care doesn't go far enough. I want the same insurance package that congress has!
http://www.opm.gov/healthcare-insurance/healthcare/
http://www.factcheck.org/2009/08/health-care-for-members-of-congress/
http://articles.latimes.com/2009/aug/02/nation/na-congress-benefits2
     I find it extremely unfair that the people who are voting that I should not receive the health care that I need are themselves receiving a health care package I will likely never experience the equal of. This only goes to prove how out of touch congress is with the American people, so I am proposing two possible solutions to make the government more in touch with the American people and to have a government that actually works.
     The first change I would like to make is that all Politicians, CEO's, Police, and Bank managers should be subjected to a psychopathy test. For example the Hare Psychopathy Checklist or being placed in an MRI machine to see if their brain functions properly. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hare_Psychopathy_Checklist
The problem is that in the general public there is approximately 1% psychopathy but that positions of power attract them. Positions of power are how psychopaths cause havoc to the rest of us. Which is why I want all higher positions of power to screen for psychopaths to help prevent massive fails in the banking system, wars etc.
     The second change I would make is that all positions of public office are recruited for by lottery in about the same way as people are chosen for jury duty. The more people try to get out of being called to office the more likely that they will be good at the job. Basically the people would want to get the job done quickly and correctly so they can go home and not have screwed up their lives.
     Basically the current form of government is not working and we need to change something to make the system work better for the non-psycopaths amongst us.

Getting Back into Religion

      Several people have told me lately that they would like to "get back into religion." As if religion were some sort of pond or sauna. This got me thinking that I need a hot tub with the word "Religion" painted on the side. That way I could offer people the much needed opportunity to get back into religion for ten to twenty minutes at a time. After all ten to twenty minutes is more quiet reflection than most people get in an entire week. Sure special clothes are still required but if we are good enough friends sky-clad would be optional. I do have a 7 foot tall fence surrounding my back yard so why not?

Things to say when the Mormons come to your door.

Sometimes I get fed up with people coming to my door to pitch me religion. Is this even an effective method of conversion? Who is at such a low point in their life that they would really change religions just because someone came to their door? I created a list of fun things to say to these people pitching religion door to door. Interestingly enough they still come back for more. I think they just think it is funny at this point.

- I would love to join your army of the undead. 

- Thank god girls the chip’n dale dancers are finally here. 

- I think the three of us would be great in bed together. 

- Why, yes I would like to join your cult!

- How much are the membership fees? My soul? What kind of installment plan is available?

- Hey, want some vodka?

- You’re just in time for cocktails.

- What kind of super powers does you’re god give you?

- This afterlife thing.  Is there a money back guarantee?  No really I would like that in writing.

- So… who died?

- Have you ever read The Scarlet Letter?

- Will you be my squishy?

- If I tithe ten percent what do I get back?

- Did you ever find god?  Did you get his autograph?

- Does your “god” give signed copies of his book?

- I believe in one god.  I combined them all!  I call it supper Buddha!

- If you take away my freewill will you give me a cool new name?

- Isn’t it harder to think on your feet on that low protein diet?

- I like prawn crackers do you like prawn crackers?  No for the full effect you must eat the entire bag.

- You’re god sucks.  He’s not a good writer.

- If “God so loved the world” why did he give man freewill?

- If “all men are created equal” why are some left-handed?

- Oh spawn of the doorknockers what is thy name?

- Hey look Momonites!

I also need to put a sign upon my front door that reads thus.

There are things I will not take through this door,

religion, cookies, or cleaning of the floor.

These things will be sent right back,

Kicking, screaming, or with a good whack

So, rap upon this door if you dare.

I may send you away or pull out your hair

With a fish.  

The House

            We looked high and low for the perfect house. The search went on for more than a year, extending over more than five cities. Late one Sunday afternoon, almost at the end of the open house day, we found what we thought was the perfect house; enough bedrooms, more than one bathroom, fairly close to a few colleges and most importantly, a price we could afford. Little did we know that there were more than a few problems hidden behind the loud construction area, the neighbors who all refuse to talk to us, unleashed dogs running around, and people who refuse to pick up after their pets. Yes, these are annoying problems, but they were soon to become the least of our worries.

            There are more than a few well kept secrets behind these freshly painted walls and dog shit coated lawns. No one in my family really understands what is going on here, or what the actual cause is. Placing blame on someone is not as important as receiving a solution to the problem and over coming the obstacle.

            The house looked perfect, from bran new with three bedrooms and two and a half baths, all new appliances. Sure we did not really care for the shag carpet all that much, but a poor selection in carpet was something we were willing to live with. This all seemed too good to be true which was why we hired an inspector to check out the house for us. The company we were buying the place from really tried hard to talk us out of hiring an inspector, saying that the house was already inspected by the people building. The man we hired was able to find a water leak and a few other minorly major problems, and we figured that would be the end of the house problems for a while. Even when the water main was found to have not been glued, yes we have pvc pipe, this was still something we could handle.

            I guess that all the really weird stuff started one day when my sister was driving me home from school. We were almost home that bright yet crisp day when suddenly, this woman cut us off and started going nuts. She was screaming so loud that we could hear her and we both had our windows up. She was so angry and I didn’t know why, yet for some reason all that anger was directed at my sister and me. The look on her face and the aura around her practically screamed that she was possessed. Her eyes were so wrong, and the amount of anger coming off her was almost hard to believe. Her face was so contorted and she was in so much pain from her anger, looking at her just sent chills up my spine. Even now, when I remember how that woman looked at me I am still afraid for her and of her. Then she just roared off in her suv and continued to vent all that dark anger into the town, yet she did not seem to be able to vent as much as accumulate more.

            That meeting with the very angry woman made me start thinking back and trying to make sense of all the odd energy of this town. When we came to this town I failed to notice just how dead the town felt. The place is almost completely void of all good strong energy. In this place I have lost the ability to walk up to a tree and feel its power and strength. I have relied on this basic ability as a way of orientating myself to an area and finding my way around with out the need to ask any humans for directions. That extra presence which has guided me for so long is just not present in this place almost like I am now missing an old friend.

            What I am trying to communicate here probably does not make any sense, but being here is like I lost something important to me and I know I lost it, but I can not find it no matter what I try.

            I should probably get back to the disturbances in my home. The first event I really noticed was the feeling that someone was watching me in the shower. Everyone knows when someone is watching them, especially when you really want to be left alone. Those burning eyes on your neck, even the frighteningly cold breath of air that could not have originated from the shower, all of this is rather scary and very identifiable. You have no proof that someone is watching you, but you are very sure that someone is watching. That is a very scary feeling, especially when you are exposed and vulnerable without the aid of a weapon or anything that would possibly be able to get rid of those hot boring eyes. After a few weeks the image stated taking the shape, the shape of a creepy old man,. I wish this is all the farther tings went, but that would not be the truth.

            The next very noticeable event happened when I was half asleep lying in my bed. I was so concerned about the chemistry test the next day, that I was having trouble sleeping. After eleven o’clock at night and I am usually out like a light, and here I was not able to sleep. Suddenly something punched my bed from underneath. I just laid there in disbelief, knowing that there is not enough room for a human to fit under my bed let alone have the room to punch. Then my bed jumped again, and just like a bolt of lightening I was up and down the stairs and demanding that my mother go take care of the problem. After a considerable amount of convincing, she went up the stairs to take a look at my bed for me. She did not find a human, animal, or machine in my entire room which could have caused what I said had happened. Needless to say, I did not sleep well that night on that bed which had been jumping, my bed has not often repeated this behavior since, but I am still scared.